


Humans are assholes: Pranks on a conquering Troll Empire

by TheLadySyk0



Series: The conquering of Earth by an invading troll army [2]
Category: Homestuck, warbound widow verse
Genre: Acid, Alien Invasion, Gen, Strip Tease, Traps, gratuitous mentions of the condescension's boobs, nickelodeon universe, non consensual strip tease, paul bunyon, spongebob the death god, themepark
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-01-22
Updated: 2015-03-04
Packaged: 2018-03-08 15:58:31
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 4,111
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3215018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLadySyk0/pseuds/TheLadySyk0
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>In SkilledWarriorKiwi's "Warbound widow" universe Trolls are currently conquering earth, humans do not take too kindly to the onslaught and fight back in whatever ways they have. Not even a savage alien invasion will stop humanity from what it does best-Be complete and total assholes! Hilarity ensues!</p><p>rated teen for a mild non-consensual strip tease and mentions of horrific gore but none of it is detailed.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. in which a ceruleanbood faces the monstrosity that is a children's themepark

**Author's Note:**

  * For [SkilledWarriorKiwi](https://archiveofourown.org/users/SkilledWarriorKiwi/gifts).



> Howdy! This is my first fic inspired by Skilledwarriorkiwi's "warbound widow" so if you haven't read the fic this will probably not make a lot of sense, just know that humanity is squaring off against the empire toe-to-toe and although humanity is outmatched by the troll army, we're not letting this planet go without a fight.

Your name is Ezarah Yuptoh, you are a fledgling adult cerulean blood captain, and you fucking hate humans.

You thought it would be easier than this, heck, its SUPPOSED to be easier than this. The humans are tiny! The largest humans only grow to be as large as a juvenile!...Its kinda adorable actually, with their silly colored hair, eyes and skin, so teeny weeny and soooft. 

WAIT, FUCK. 

Hating humans, getting back to hating humans! Humans that are ASSHOLES that you in no way, shape or form want to pet, EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

Anyways you and your colleagues got here on this stupid little blue planet with the express purpose to MURDER THE SHIT out of these tiny little fuckers. The intellegenocidalists had given you a basic summary of the natives, cute, tiny, colorful and docile, apparently they hadn't had a war in years, even though they were apparently well-stocked when it came to weapons (you wonder why they needed all those weapons with no wars, did they know you were coming?) the humans weren't supposed to be any problem.

“weren't supposed to be any problem” my big blue ass.

Apparently humans didn't quite like the whole “conquering thing” and decided to be douches who were going to defend this shithole of a planet to their last breath. Your personal crew culled hundreds during the first strike,collectively your species culled millions.

But, humans apparently didn't weed out the batshit crazy or the sick like your species did, and although your culling numbers as a group are admittedly quite impressive a lot that were killed were too sick to be moved out of their healing units, or so old that they asked you if you bought groceries, or so crazy that when you pried open their pillow-rooms they wriggled out of their white crazy jackets to give you a hug and call you ‘Barbara’. Did you know that humans just kept bodies whose brains have died, just AROUND?? Really its astonishing, you feel like you’re cheating, but big numbers look good to your superiors, so yeah you may have kicked out a few electrical sockets to pad out your culling numbers, big whoop.

Its the smart ones that are the problem. In your defense nobody told you that they would be smart. Cute with weird hair, but not smart. Some of the survivors of the initial attack call you “zombies” or “Demons”, apparently grey skin and horns mean something in human mythology. 

You've been told that humanity has been harboring two main groups of crazy, the kind that throw magic water in your face while yelling “BEGONE DEMON FROM WHENCE YOU CAME” before trying to stab you, or if you’re having a really bad day, THROW SALT (who even are these people??really?? salt?? it gets in your eyes). The other kind scream something about the “zombie apocalypse” and go at you with a chainsaw, or they shoot at you. Yaaaaaaay.

The worst humans BY FAR though are the trappers. They don’t just try and kill you, no. THEY GOTTA BE A DICK ABOUT IT.

You were walking through an abandoned indoor marketplace, colloquially called a “Mall of America” by the natives, see the violet bloods really dig worthless human trinkets like statuettes or jewelry, and the humans only took the essentials when they fled underground, like clothes and food, so you can usually find a good number of things to pick up to sell.sell. Thats when “it” happened.

You were just walking along, innocently toting a bag of “Spongebob” death god figurines from the “gift-shop” at “nickelodeon universe” and licking cotton candy off your claws when a FREAKING BUCKET dropped down from where it had been sinisterly waiting for you on top of a door. You barely dodged in time as acid from THE BUCKET rained down. ACID. IN. A. BUCKET. Stupid murderous PERVERTED freaks!!!

It didn't stop there, you found very lewd depictions of our beloved empress painted on a wall inside the mall (they didn't even spell “Condescension” right, and you doubt her legs bend that way) you found UVA “tanning” lights from human salons rigged up to motion sensors (three of your crew were blinded that way!), stingbug nests in corpses and hidden inside confection machines, powerful magnets that messed with your horn-senses and made you all dizzy for hours afterwards, weights on pulleys that dropped right on your heads, broken glass, sticky glue traps.

You brought your crew into the center of the building, to the “Nickelodeon universe theme park” after a particularly bad “tanning” light trap. The “Theme park” was enough strange horror contraptions and garish colorful and smiling faces to make a Subjuggulator cream their pants, but as soldiers of the imperial fleet you would not falter! Not even as the human death god “Spongebob” stared you down. Stupid square yellow monstrosity.

 

Still dizzy from the magnets, you and your crew made your ways into a small wooden and stone corridor labeled “Log chute” (aha transport!) upon further discovery the stones and wood were, COMPLETELY FAKE! why on earth would humans paint things to look like stones and wood? 

 

You had thought you had found salvation in floating transports aloft on a small indoor river, painted to look like logs, You climbed onto the mechanized transport hoping for respite. Boy were you wrong. 

OH THE HORROR! ON THE “PAUL BUNYON LOG RIDE” you were terrorized out of your mind (Paul Bunyon- human subjuggulator?) You were subjected to the horrors of a large fake man chopping wood, this “Paul Bunyon” in all his simulated robotic horror and his horrendous blue moobeast! the booming laugh of the Bunyon will never leave your mind, still it haunts you.

It was then that the motorized transport raised higher and higher! seemed to plateau… AND THEN HIGHER STILL!! You were higher than a chitterlusus in a purple fruit tree, and then the log transport capsule stopped, tilted, you were faced with an impossibly steep drop----

and then you plummeted

\- to what you had assumed at the time was your death, a quick “click” and a flash of light were to be your last memories. But instead of instant death your log capsule was flung into deep water, you were wetter than a sea-dwellers nook, only to find yourself...exactly where you started? 

God damn sneaky-ass humans with their terrifying transport that doesn’t FUCKING GO ANYWHERE.

Sopping wet as you and your bewildered comrade exited the “Log Chute” of what you assume is torture and terror, you were both faced with yet another indignity. Your faces had been recorded in your moments of terror! what cruel and strange jokes humans play. Terrorizing you, recording it and then putting the proof of your terror and degradation on a lighted display (with heart or smiley face frames for only $5.00 extra) . A mechanical voice asked us if we wanted to preserve our “Precious memories” with a “keepsake photo”.No, I don’t think we will, creepy-ass robot human, I don’t think we fucking will.

Humans are fucking assholes.


	2. In which a mobile computation unit receives a strip tease without her consent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Basically my head cannon is that the empire keeps lower-level psiionics as "mobile computation units" where they aren't good enough to be plugged into ships but they are good enough to serve as mobile super computers.
> 
> Not sure if this counts as a songfic. Anyways the Song is "Moves like Jagger"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Howdy! you guys ready to read about a desktop-stripper trap? The song is "moves like Jagger" is case you don't know.

Your name is Nadika Dandik and you are so over “Earth” and all the stupid little pink things that live here.

You’re a yellow-blood with Psiionic abilities but apparently your brain isn't good enough to put into a ship (Woohooo!) but it is still good enough to plug into smaller computers which happens to be why you’re still alive.

You swear that if you ever do get put into a ship you will fucking change everyone’s emails to horse noises, that’ll teach them. 

Oh you wanted to send your moirail a message? Well too fucking bad, all they’re getting is “neighs” in their inbox.

Hehe. You’re hilarious.

Right now though you’re waiting to get your brain stuck into human computers that are so out of date they’re literally mechanic, its not like Alternia doesn't know about electronics its just that Bio works so much fucking better, even if it does involve sticking trolls into mainframes, its worth it so all the fucking highblood’s messages get through, you can’t argue with network capacity.

So yeah, you sit outside, not getting yourself damaged, because then your superiors would have to order a new “mobile bio-computation unit”.

Earth can actually be kind of pretty sometimes, even if the blue color of the sky is kinda jarring.   
You contemplate running but its not like you have anywhere to go. Your commanders already knew that before they left you out here.

Finally some Cobalt-blooded prick comes to get you when they’re done killing the pink thingies inside the human government facility.

You try not to notice the alien blood as you walk down the hall.

A gruff hand roughly shoves you in front of a wall-sized mechanical monitor and unit. He takes off your wrist restraints and tells you to pull as much data from the human husktop and database as you can.

Jegus, when was the last time your wrists were free? Relishing your free hands you settle in and get ready to work.

The scienterrorists had to lend you an ancient mechanical to bio converter, which is super handy but its freaking ridiculous that you needed it because really,mechanical, what are we in the pre-cellestial period? This shit is so jank. Anyways you plug the biological end into your wrist port,( you’re never going to get over that feeling) and the mechanical end in the mechanical husktop, maybe you can-

Just then the giant monitor on the wall lights up and a human face fills the screen.

“hey alien Jackasses! I see that you tried to log into the Crockercorp nuclear missile database WITHOUT putting in my code first! either that or you’re Gary from the accounting department, who thinks its hilarious to mess with my shit. If its Gary then I would be alive to give the stop code, if not, well…”

The pink jackass on the monitor smiles.

“Enjoy the show assholes”

What the hell did he mean by-

OH MY FUCKING GOD WHAT THE HELL.

A scantily clad human female saunters onto the monitor that the jackass’s face had been previously. Dear god her heft sacks are huge, and she has long yellow hair (that you’re not jealous of at all) there's a metal pole in the middle of the screen, and she gives an ostentatious wink before she-

Oh my god, OH MY GOD. WHAT? HUMANS DO THAT? AND THEN FILM IT? HOW DID HE GET THIS FOOTAGE? WHY ARE YOU STILL WATCHING?

~Just shoot for the staaars, if it feels right, and aim for my heaaaart, and taake me away and make it okaaaay~

You valiantly try to ignore the giant pink ass displayed on the monitor swaying and jiggling to the beat.

You fail miserably.

You barely manage to peek over your shoulder to look at your commander. His face is full-on blue and he seems just as mystified and horrified as you.

Someone desperately claws at your shoulder, you turn a fraction to see an olive blood from your squad. His other hand is firmly over his eyes but you can see that his face is completely olive, you doubt that you’re faring much better.

Holy crap what's going on.

“fer the leve of the empire turn tha shit off!!”

Right, right. Computers. You should turn this off. Thats a thing.

A giggle from the screen that you are ignoring intently makes a shiver run down your spine. For the love of the empire what the actual fuck.

~you wanted controool, so we waited, You wanted a shooow, now I make it~

You sneak another glance at your blue blooded commander. His face is the purest Cobalt you’ve ever seen contained by skin, his mouth is wide open gaping and he seems to have been frozen where he stands.

Is that his bulge wriggling in his pants?   
EWWWWWWW.

~You say I’m a kid, My ego is big, i don’t give a shiiiit~

Guess its up to you then, you desperately try to work the computer but everything has gone dead, nothing is responding to your commands. Humans shouldn't be capable of that! You are working a bio-processor here! Honestly though, you’re not at full concentration as an utterly filthy moan escapes from the monitor. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

~and it goes like this~

You’re desperate here as you click buttons and send out commands to the unresponsive husktop and the female flings herself into new and more creative depravity as the chorus of the song starts. OH MY GOD OH MY GOD.

In a last ditch effort, you stand up and hurl a desk chair into the monitor.

Sparks fly everywhere and you see the human female lick her scarlet red lips and flick her hair before the screen mercifully goes dark.

~moOOOOoooooves like jaggerrrrr…..~

It turns out that the footage was a distraction in order for all of the data to be copied and sent to other facilities before being deleted. And worst of all, it worked. 

Any other day you would have been culled for sheer incompetence at your already menial job, but the commander agreed to report an unfortunate fire that was in no way our fault that destroyed the data before we even got there, as long as I never shared the sight of his bulge wiggling in his uniform to the sight of a twirling naked alien that unfortunately has been permanently burned Into your ocular video databases.

Humans are assholes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> constructive criticism is welcomed! don't be a dick.


	3. In which a lazy olive blood discovers the horrors of pepper juice

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this was suggested by angela1066 and i had nothing better to do so i wrote it. Hooray!
> 
> the fruit described in the orchard are apples, oranges and pears and the fire liquid is a pepper solution. Poor Naduro, that's what you get for naming a fruit after the Condescension's tits.

Your name is Nuduro Tambin, You are an adult olive blood and holy fuck human food is delicious.

When you came to the Empire’s latest conquest planet you really weren't expecting much. You thought that you would murder some aliens and pick up a few trinkets, but holy hatefuck this shit is AWESOME.

Alternia is a harsh planet filled with horrifying animals and even more horrifying plants.

Plants on Alternia are AWFUL, their sting can make your limbs go gangrenous and fall off, others emit poison spores or gas, others are just completely covered in horn-sized thorns, others emit acid resin from their leaves, there's even some kinds in the northern sections that can swallow an adult troll whole. Yeah there are redfruit trees, but the fruits are only as big as your thumb, bitter, and give you a major case of the shits if you don’t boil them first. Trolls only eat them if they've run out of proper food to eat.

Which is why Earth is awesome! Yeah the pink thingies are annoying, and you suppose you should be killing more, but how can you focus on murder when there's so much free food around!

Your superiors set you up guarding this “orchard” because human rebels have been sneaking in to gather food.

And what awesome food it is. Big red round sweet fruits are just hanging from the trees. whispering ~

“Eat me Nudurooo, I’m soooo taaasty, I’m waaay better than the troll army rations. eaaaat meeee”. 

And well fuck If you can resist their sweet temptation.

You have never eaten so well in your entire life. Its kinda hard chewing them with your sharp teeth since troll teeth are meant for more tearing and ripping than crushing and chewing, so you are almost completely covered in juice but you are so beyond caring.

There are also orange juicey balls growing from some other trees, and long oblong green things with big butts growing from other trees beyond those, and they were fun but your favorites are still the red things.

One of the copper bloods in your squad told you that they’re called “apples”.What a stupid fucking name, humans should be ashamed of themselves, going around naming little chunks of nirvana fucking boring things like “apple”. You would be far more creative.

While you’re debating calling them “The heftsacks of the Emperess” or “God’s testicles” you hear something at the back of the orchard. Shit you’re so stuffed you can hardly move. You get up anyways to investigate.

You see a team of a couple of humans abscond with a large bucket (eww, these people) of “The Heftsacks of The Emperess” fruits.

Normally you would chase them but you really don’t care that much, there's plenty of fruits, its not like your commander will notice. You make a note to leave some human traps.

You take a fruit from the nearest tree,( its not good to think without eating) as you think of the best way to trap the humans without hurting your precious heftsack fruit trees.

You could spread tar on the ground for them to get stuck in, but that would make it difficult to get to the trees. Maybe some kind of wild animal humans are afraid of? You’re pretty sure you could kill it if you needed to, but it might eat the fruit too.

You take a bite as you try and think of the best way to murder them, Maybe a…

HOLY FUCK WHAT THE HELL. Your mouth is BURNING HOLY HELL OW

You try to inhale as much as possible to quell the burning in your mouth as you pant. Its so hot that you feel yourself sweating, AH SHIT AH SHIT. An incredibly high whine escapes your throat as you feel the heat slowly move down your throat, following the path of the fruit down into your gut. It feels like its trying to burn its way out of you.

OW OW OW THIS IS WHAT YOU GET FOR NAMING THE FRUIT AFTER THE EMPRESS'S TITS HER FUCKING SEA DWELLER VOODOO HAS GOTTEN YOU, THAT FUCKING BITCH.

AHHH, you pant as your guts cramp, and you come to a horrible realization. You sniff the fruit and yup, that IS where the poison came from.

You feel so betrayed, heftsack fruits, you were the best moirail a troll could ever ask for, why would you flip black on me like this? You sniff again and the inside smells sweet but the outside smells like nothing you've ever sniffed before, it smells like fire and you can’t get your gut to stop cramping or your mouth to stop burning.

Shit You’re going to die and its all because of this goddamn tit fruit! Your spiney tongue has gone completely numb and you can feel the poison radiating through your gut. There's a river nearby that your squad has camped by and you make a mad dash for it, hoping that the water can wash down the poison if you drink enough.

Air on your tongue helps quell the pain, you don’t even realize that you’re screaming as you run into the camp.Screaming at the top of your lungs you run through the camp towards the river. 

Your squad members assume that you’re running FROM something and soon the entire squad is running and screaming with you as you run to the river.The copper blood that told you about the word “apple” is next to you.

“Oh my god! what is it??? What's chasing us???”

You’ll tell him it was an invisible cougar later when your tongue starts working again (the gullible asshole), for now you just keep screaming and fling yourself into the river.

Sweet tits of The Condescension that's a relief. You drink as much as you can (you think you swallowed a frog, but whatever) and the pain lessons considerably.

Your entire squad is in the river with you and you’re pretty sure they want an explanation.

You tell them that there was a giant invisible land squid that's in-detectable to horn-sense. A team of subjugglators has been dispatched to hunt it down, and you escape being culled for being incompetent another day.

Later you find a spray bottle by the fence the humans climbed over filled with fire-smelling liquid. The humans must have sprayed as many fruits as they could after filling their bucket with fruit (still eww), those complete douches. The worst part is that you can’t even look at the fruits without feeling the horrible burning pain in your mouth. 

Alas sweet tit fruit thou shalt be missed.

Humans are assholes.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> day six of the invisible land squid search and subjuggulator team alpha has not yet captured the beast. All natives interrogated assure us that the giant invisible land squid exists, clues have been scarce but we assure the empire that the giant invisible land squid will soon be culled properly, such a creature as a threat to operations. We will soon be setting up traps for the land squid, we will continue to inform you of our progress.


	4. in which a cameo is featured

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys sorry for not updating in forever but the new semester started and college is kicking my ass.
> 
> So this intersects with my other fic "in which humanity is considered as lusii"

Your name is Nuduro Tambin, you are an olive-blood and pale-dating an indigo is fucking awesome.

Indigoes are all pretty violent and all but you're a pretty easy going guy and Churro is awesome. He's your best bro and with a quadrant-mate this high up on the hemospectrum you're pretty much un-cullable. Its freaking sweet. You could like, kick your cerulean commander in the shame globes and be safe with Churro backing you up.

You introduced the guy to the wonders of sopor slime and human food and its pretty much the best thing ever. The two of you are holed up in some human convenience store, the windows barred against the light, after Churro cleared the place of humies. The weird little things leave bright freaking red all over the place, its so gross. The both of you are lounging in a pile of human snack food.

You both are high off your asses and on the third jar of peanut butter that you nabbed off the humans as Churro describes this scienterrorist chick he's been flush crushing on.

"But like...But like her ass...." he slurrs and flails his arms and vaguely traces out a large round ass in the air. He licks some peanut butter and sopor slime off his lips and giggles. "Its so fucking sweeeet man....its an awesome ass.... she's such a sweeet little berry..."

You turn to face him, already woozy as you grab a can of cheez-whiz from the pile and spray the "Cheese-Product" into your mouth. Humans may be gross little fuckers but their food is freaking awesome. You've tread carefully around fruit after the orchard incident but humans make all kind of delicious shit. You swallow the orange cheese goo before you speak-

"So she's like...she's like a scienterrorist right?"

Churro looks back at you, high and glassy-eyed. "Yeah man... see her when I take the comp-unit in for repairs.... silly little things up and quadranted with the computation unit....hehe silly lil' berry... up and pretending its still a person...."

You sit up and start to gesture wildly. "Get er... get herr somthin interesting! scienterrorists like interesting! get her a .... a thingy.... that she can study... (hic) she'll dig that bro..."

Churro scrunches up his face. "You...you want me to make a move man? I aint...I aint... the most pitiable fucker out there maan... 'sides...I gotta cull the comp unit...."

"Bro...Bro....You don't...You don't kill your crush's moirail....when you're...you're wooing them man! Thats like...Rule #1 in like...What not to do when you wanna pick up a new quadrant..."

Churro growls weakly. "The Units up and dyed her hair man... dyed it up a humie color..."

"But like....its her moirail man...'Sides bio-units are like....really hard to replace."

Churro pouts and growls louder. You're learned early on to keep the guy happy for everyone's sake or else he goes and beheads an underling. You pap him clumsily until his growls die down, you fall against his chest giggling and start to purr.

"Bro..bro...you should go for it man..." Your words are slurred from the sopor slime and rattly with your purring but you think he still understands you.

He huffs, his breath smells like human blood. You've stopped finding that creepy and now just kind of find the smell of human blood comforting. Its a nice smell really, it smells different than troll blood, more metallic. 

"Again man... not verr...very pitiable..."

Phht. any troll would be lucky to have your bro! Unless he beheads them again...The guy has a problem with the beheading thing.

"Crank it up to 11 man! You can be pitiable bro! It just might be a lil...a lil harder to make er see it! You like...you like.. purr a lot! and cuddle! chicks...like....cuddles get right up there and cuddle her! And Presents! get her a thingy... an INTERESTING thingy...cuz' she's a scienterrorist and all..."

Churro looks interested so you continue.

"You got...ta be adorable man... you got to be sexy...PINCH HER ASS!!!...It will be the best thing ever like...like..it'll be saucy..." Wink wink nudge nudge.

Churro picks up the cheez-whiz and sprays it in his mouth before he answers, peanut butter and orange cheese spray mixing and adorning his lips. He licks it off with his long spiney tongue in languid motions.

"...I'll be fucking irresistible man....."

**Author's Note:**

> Constructive criticism is welcome. Don't be a dick. Read SkilledWarriorkiwi's "Warbound Widow" for context.  
> First chapter probably makes more sense if you've ever been to nickelodeon universe at the Mall of America. The ride that is described is the "Paul Bunyon Log chute" its this water ride where you see an animatronic Paul Bunyon doing random shit before you're dropped into a pool of water on a fake log.


End file.
